I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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