Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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