I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
