oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
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