Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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