I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
