he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
