Midget sex pt 2 tonight
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I wish there were birth control emojis
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
