I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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