I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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