I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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