I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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