i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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