Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
