New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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