dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
