I feel like abortions should bother me more
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize