The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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