Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
