last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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