This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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