Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
