I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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