Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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