I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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