I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
