let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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