I'm jealous of your bromance
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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