you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
