Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Randomize
