my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
