Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
