I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
