I should be sponsored by Trojan
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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