And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
