i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
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I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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