We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
