Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
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