She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
