I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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