My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
