New low: just hacked my moms facebook
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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