I can tuck mytits in my pants
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
