Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Quick, to the slutcave!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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