Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
