I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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