So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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