saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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