FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
