and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I have feelings that need drinking.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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