the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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