Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just gift wrapped bread.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
