When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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