Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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